I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
