How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
