i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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