Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
