I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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