Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
