new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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