your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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