I wish I only lived at night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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