It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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