This beer is not sobering me up at all
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
