i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
