between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The air was thick with penises
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
