Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
