I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
