Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
