You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
