apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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