I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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