Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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