I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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