I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need moral support for this bender
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
