wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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