from now on my penis is your penis
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
