Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
