The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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