im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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