I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
