I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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