Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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