i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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