I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
