On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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