My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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