My friends, they love my intelligence
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
