Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
