you guys were way drunker than both of me
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
