ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
