This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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