I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
