How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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