Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh god it's open bar.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
