"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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