I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
