The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
