It was confusing and full of hummus
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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