I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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