hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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