So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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