Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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